We are preparing to re-start our home-study. As the reality of a future adoption sinks in, I've been feeling apprehensive. I couldn't quite put my finger on the cause of this anxiety until a recent infertility support group meeting.
As I was sharing about our hopes to adopt, I realized that I'm afraid I won't be a good mom, especially to a newborn. Yet, I really want the experience of mothering our children as newborns.
|With my nephew and newest niece.|
I've wanted to be a mom since I was a little girl. Growing up I dreamed of a big family and dreamed of how to incorporate faith and traditions into our family life. I've always wanted to be a mom, but I've never been a "newborn" or "baby" person.
Weird, I know.
I remember coffee and donuts after Mass when I was in middle school. My friends would take turns holding the newest babies of our moms' friends as we munched on donuts. I was never interested in the baby holding. I'm the oldest of seven, and never minded holding or caring for my little siblings, but I viewed coffee and donuts as social time, and a break from being a helpful big sister.
As a teenager I started babysitting. When babysitting a baby, it seemed like the minutes would i-n-c-h by. I felt trapped and anxious. Eventually I just stopped babysitting, unless it was for older kids.
During our infertility group a few weeks ago, one gal shared that she really enjoys holding newborns. Since infertility I've become even less interested in holding babies (am I a horrible person?).
Let me say that I do LOVE toddlers and older kiddos! For example, when my nieces and nephews start talking I really bond with them. We have lots of fun playing dolls, blowing bubbles, or gathering pine cones.
|Gathering pine cones with my niece and nephew...a very important job!|
|Mike blowing bubbles with our super cute goddaughter.|
But....when we adopt, the little one won't be our "own" in the sense that he or she will have grown in my belly for nine months. I know for sure that I will love them, and that they will be our son or daughter, but I think it may take awhile for our adopted child to feel like our "own". Being a mom is one of the most important vocations I will have in life and I know it is not easy. There are lots of mundane days, sleepless nights, and challenging moments. I'm fearful that when we bring our baby home I won't be a good mom, or won't be able to bond with our newborn.
Thankfully my hubby is A-Mazing with babies. Much more of a pro than me. It makes me wonder, maybe he should be a stay-at-home dad for the first few years? Yet, I know mothers play a very important role in nurturing and loving their children, and I've always wanted to be home to care for them. I just wish I didn't feel so inadequate and overwhelmed when it comes to parenting a newborn.
I haven't quite resolved all of this. It might have to work itself out when our little one comes home. In the meantime I'm praying for grace, peace, and guidance as adoption gets closer.
God bless your week! Thanks for stopping by!